This afternoon I saw a talk show in which Michael who was in charge of Cherry International Movie Festival talked about the Chinese culture embodied by Chinese movies. By watching many good Chinese movies he got familiar with Chinese culture, one of which was how Chinese parents expressed love for their children. He recalled once when he was back to the United States, he was asked if Chinese parents didn¡¯t love their children because American audience saw in the movies that Chinese parents seldom hugged their children, on the contrary, American parents always hug their children to show their love to them. Michael thought that was a very interesting question. Of course as he's been in China he knows that Chinese parents do love their children though they usually do not express their love by hugging their children . Now more and more movies show not only to the American audience but also the world how Chinese parents express love to their children¡ªa way different from western parents.

I've to say my parents haven¡¯t given me hugs as I grew older and older, but I do feel their love, implicit love. My parents, especially my mom who concerns with me very much¡ªwhat I eat, what I wear, what I do, where I go, with whom I make friends¡­ sometimes I felt I was overwhelmed by her love. I did complaint.I do hope she can be more concerned with what I feel. But I have to say this is the love my parents have for me, and I appreciate that very much. Also I noticed in the American movies that western parents always said, ¡°I love you¡± to their children, and so did their children. In my memory, I never heard my parents say that to me, neither did I. And I believe most Chinese families are the same. But they do love their children.

I appreciate the ardent way of western parents loving their children; also I enjoy the way of Chinese parents loving their children. This has formed a habit through years I think. No matter in what way that our parents express their love, let¡¯s believe without any doubt that they love us.

I¡¯m a little bit disappointed with Shen. We made a deal to memorize new words together, then meet every two weeks to test each other. But with several conversations through the phone, I found it seemed that she didn¡¯t put much enthusiasm in it. Since the day that we made that deal we haven¡¯t meet each other for a month, because she didn¡¯t want to come out to meet on rainy or scorching day, or because of some other reasons. I couldn¡¯t help thinking that Shen¡¯s a little weak in will power. Anyway, I¡¯ll keep memorizing new words. I¡¯ve memorized nearly 2000 words in a month, and there is 4000 or so left which I plan to finish within next two months. Most of the words I memorized are more often seen in literature. I found memorizing those words did facilitate my reading.

Times flies so fast. It¡¯s been three years since I graduated from school. July is the time when graduates say ¡°good-bye¡± to school and their fellow students. At this time of every year are various kinds of special reports about this annual occasion¡ªpacking luggage, exchanging way of contacting, having the last meal, taking pictures with roommates and classmates¡­ Every time it drags me back into the memory of the occasion when I graduated, and of course of those days when I was a student. Although I¡¯m still feeling upset about being shut out of the door for furthering study there for two years, I¡¯ve to say that two-year study in NJTU did leave me beautiful memory¡ªteachers, classmates, roommates, dorms, campus, classroom buildings, labs, library, auditorium, garden, stadium, playground as well as canteens, which are still fresh in my memory. I¡¯ve been keeping learning by self-teaching after graduating, but there¡¯s always a strong desire in my heart that is to go back to school to further my study.

I made a decision with long-time consideration to take the entrance exam for postgraduate next January. Everybody knows it¡¯s a hard test. The preparation for the exam consumes plenty of time and energy. To be honest, I¡¯m not quite confident. But I think I¡¯m still in the good age of study, why not give it a try? If giving it a try, I may have chance. If not, no single chance at all. No matter what the result is, this six-month full-time study will do good to me, I believe.

First of all I¡¯d like to thank to any TIG members who took time to read and gave comments on my post.I¡¯ve experienced a kind of release in spirit and emotion since I posted Painful and Sweet Love two days ago. I feel glad for myself because I am lucky to be able to love and to be loved unconditionally. It was just now that I came to a realization of how to love unconditionally, that was to learn to enjoy the way of the person whom you love loved you and appreciate for his or her love. Now I feel I am able to put my upset aside which annoyed me for long, and to enjoy Jim¡¯s love with calm and pleasance and great appreciation. What else do I want from him? ¨CThat¡¯s enough. And I would like to end up this piece of writing with ¡°I love you, Jim¡±.

If I didn¡¯t remember it wrong it was this time of last year that I read the book¡ªSeven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. This year, I picked up this book again at the same time and reread it. I did a more serious reading and would like to say this is a really wonderful book which helps people step by step become a principle-centered interdependent person by telling us how to act proactively instead of reactively, how to become the kind persons that we want to be--beginning with the end of our life in mind, how to manage our time effectively, how to be a real winner, how to have ourselves understood¡ªthe key is to seek first to understand, then to be understood, and how to achieve synergy. Also in order to achieve all of these, it tells us how to sharpen our ¡°saw¡± in four dimensions¡ªphysically, mentally, spiritually, and socially/emotionally. I felt it¡¯s like a hand offering me help and support whenever I got lost and needed direction. I¡¯m sure this book will be my supporter all my life. Of course, I am thankful to Jim for giving it to me.

That paragraph is still on my mind¡ªProactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of itself, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for other, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you a parent, look at the love you have for your children that you sacrificed. Love is a value that is actualized through loving action. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values, Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.

I¡¯m thankful to Jim for introducing this place to me where I can keep my thoughts and feelings. I do not update my writings regularly. I just update it whenever I feel like writing. Actually I do have a lot to write. I¡¯d love to put my innermost feelings here and love to have them read no matter whether people will give it comments or not or what kind of comments they will give it.

Sometimes I had a strong feeling that I didn¡¯t feel like talking very much. I didn¡¯t feel it necessary to talk. I even thought if some day I quit talking, writing would be the only way I use to communicate with the outside. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m talent enough to be a writer, but I do love to have my feelings and thoughts flow out from the tip of my pen, of course, now from the tips of my ten fingers. I tried to figure out how come I felt that way. By re-reading Seven Habits of Highly Effective People I found the answer¡ªI lack the sense of security emotionally. I¡¯m getting more and more afraid of opening up myself to others, sometimes even to my intimate friends¡ªShen and Jim. I felt the more I loved them, the more I didn¡¯t want them to share my worries or unhappiness.

Comparatively, I am more open to Shen. Dramatically, we have similar experience and character. I once had her do the test in Please Understand Me. The result was that she was INSJ person. And I¡¯m INFJ person. We have similar character. That is one of the reasons for us to be open to each other. Also both of us think that we have similar experience¡ªexperience of painful and sweet love. We understand what each other feel.

To Jim, I used to be very open. I told him about whatever I felt. But now I feel the more I love him, the more I¡¯m afraid to be open to him. I don¡¯t think he understand what I feel. I¡¯m sure he knows I love him very much and I¡¯m sure he loves me too. He used to write to me and send me audiotapes before he got his own computer. Now he talks with me online twice a week. He greets me on my birthday and other special days by sending me gifts and cards. I am very much appreciated what he did. He¡¯s sure he cannot love me the way I hope. But he¡¯s been trying to love me his way. I can feel his love. And I know he can¡¯t love me the way I hope. I¡¯ve been trying to enjoy the way he loves me. To be honest, to love someone unconditionally is not that easy. I¡¯ve been trying to love Jim unconditionally though sometimes I did shed tears. Painful and sweet love!

Today I told Jim that my aunt helped my brother find a girlfriend. Jim asked if my aunt would help to find me a boyfriend. I refused to talk about that by keeping silence. It¡¯s not because I didn¡¯t want to talk about that but because he might not understand what I feel and my answer might make him feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes I asked myself if I would love someone else some day. I don¡¯t know. But I think there¡¯s one thing I will do inevitably that is to compare him with Jim. I wish I could meet someone with the same characters as Jim. Or maybe this is just my wish. It won¡¯t come true at all. Shen said most people were not lucky enough to marry the right person they love. Maybe she¡¯s right. I might marry someone I don¡¯t love. But no matter what I think I will keep my love for Jim.